I always get this "sinking feeling" in my tummy after we meet up. He is the only one who does that to me. He doesn't do it on purpose, I know. But somehow, being with him, makes me less confident and often leaves me with questions about myself.
The last time we met was in Dec '07 when I went to Melbourne for a holiday. We met up for drinks and dinner a few times during my stay there. And when I left, that feeling struck me again. So for a year, we stuck to irregular MSN chats and texts to keep in touch. I often avoided or ignored him because that feeling was still fresh in my tummy.
Then just last week, he texted, saying that he was coming to Singapore and wanted to meet up. He asked when I would be back from my trip and he would come down then. I was back on Monday but I wanted to delay the inevitable so I told him Tuesday. So we met up late last night after his dinner meeting. We went back to the hotel and we had a nice chat, catching up. And no, we didn't have sex. I swear. We just fell asleep in each other's arms. But all that time, I was thinking of Eddy, believe it or not. About how nice it was to be in his arms and how good he used to smell. But it was Leonard that kissed me on the cheek when we woke up. Eddy never did that :o(
Today, we went for lunch and a foot massage. I got to know more about his current girlfriend and I guess that was when the feeling started. It wasn't jealousy. It was something else. His current girlfriend, Jacklin, although I don't know her, sounds like a gold digger. And he knows it. But he is willing to go along because she has other qualities that he likes. Money is not an issue for him. He likes the overall package, as he put it. All his friends including his mother, can't stand the girlfriend. Because they see her for what she is. But he is blinded by love.
He said that she was smart, exposed to the world and lots of fun. She can talk shop with him, about the stock markets, about business, about who's-who and what's-what. And that's when he delivered the blow : he said that I was not like her.
I have always considered myself to be pretty knowledgeable about a lot of things, from cars to movies and sports. Enough to start a conversation and know what others are talking about. But judging from the kind of girls that guys fall for these days, apparently, that is not enough or not important. I know of bimbos who talk about shopping, facials, nails and girly stuff all the time. But yet, they have guys waiting in line to help them with the shopping bags. And even pay for their purchases. So what am I lacking? Must I be like them? Study the daily market and subscribe to the Business Times? Or take the easy way and just learn to bat my eyelashes, flirt and act stupid.
I feel so despondent.
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